Not Enough

Title

Not Enough

Artist

Tgchan

Medium

Photograph

Description

My 200th upload... why not make it special, huh? You most definitely were, so it should go all nicely with the rest of it. I know you have always wanted me to dedicate one of my work and description just to you, so here it is... finally. We have never had a chance for a real goodbye, have we? I know... it was partially my fault, I admit it. I just couldn't be there with you, knowing that you are looking for someone else to replace me with. I couldn't bear it, I had to remove myself from your life. See, I can be confident and decisive in my choices, just not where everyone else is... You once asked me, what do I love the most about you, and I didn't want to tell you at that time, but now... well, it doesn't exist any more. It is quite simple you see... The way you cared about me, constantly fighting and never losing faith in me, was the thing that I loved the most about you. Of course, there is so much more, but this single idea, that I am so important and special to you, was the beginning of everything for me. I thought, if I am so important to her, and she is willing to do so much for me... she deserves everything I have to offer. I had so little... but it was enough for you to stay, you kept believing in me. My whole life, was just me alone really... I have never thought I would meet someone like you. I dreamt about it... but we all know that dream world and the reality are two things that rarely coexist together. Everything I have designed and shaped into, was completely opposite to what you needed and hoped for. Your big plans about the family and everything else... You never gave up on them, did you? Not until the very end of it... You really thought you will change my mind eventually... It looks like we have both disappointed each other... It is quite ironic though, don't you think ? Everything you wished for, eventually came true... I guess we will never find out about the rest now. I used to know things, I was sure of them and confident about my life philosophy... Now, I can't even trust my own thoughts. It feels like I am surrounded by a crowd of traitors, not knowing who will stab me first. Do I want to bring you back? No. I mean, I don't fucking know okay... Do you want to suffer? Come and join the party. I count days on which I am not crying thinking about you. My record is five days in a row so far, but I got tired holding it all back after a while, so I am back at one again. Do you want to have a nice family and be happy? STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. You once said that I can't stop thinking about you because I have no life... ouch... it is okay though, it is partially true. My life was always simple, but I have never had trouble filling my free time, never. See, the thing is... you became my life, and I didn't want to do anything without you. I have been trying to shut my old life down in order to learn and share the new one just with you. The hole you have left in my life is something you cannot really fix. I have been circling round it, looking at it and trying to find some answers, make sense of it or just simply understand it, but the only thing I have got from doing so, is even more questions and pain. I am trying to sit on the edge of what is left of my life, but I find myself constantly falling back into the black abyss of sorrow. I really hate waking up in the mornings now you know... everything feels so empty without you. I hate the moments when my family asks about you as well... I squeeze my fists, trying not to burst into tears, and try to change the subject as fast as I can, before the emotions get the best of me. Sometimes I find peace of mind by looking at myself in a mirror... I say, wow... what a miserable fuck you are, and I feel better that you are gone... you deserve so much more. Hopefully you will never look back, not this time. I just wanted you to know that I have never resigned from you, I have just lost with my biggest enemy, myself. You are a part of me know, you will always be. I am so sorry I was not enough of who you wanted me to be... I really am. Heh funny... I still cannot breathe when I think about you. I will never understand how could I let you go... it doesn't make sense. All this talking and being honest with each other didn't really help much after all... heh, it's sad. I wanted us to be so different, I thought I have it all figured out... I really believed that. So this is it, I guess... You are another exhibit in my museum of unfulfilled dreams now... the place where I have never wanted you to be. I .... ..... ... .. ....... .... Zmijka... I really did. o/

Uploaded

July 17th, 2016

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Viewed 801 Times  -  Last Visitor from Ottawa, ON - Canada on 04/24/2024 at 10:30 AM

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