Some people fly high above the surface of reality, others suffocate way below it... There is also the third kind of people, those who live in-between those two extremes. I believe I am one of them. I am way too smart/lucky enough not to drown below the surface,but I am also too dumb to lift off and fly above it. So I met this girl... She's way below the surface, she is so deep in there she grinds her fragile body across the bottom of the darkness. I have reached to her... why? I don't know... maybe I believe I can help her out... No, it's not that... I know I can do it. I really genuinely want to do that. I can't understand myself completely here, but it feels just... so normal. The whole situation is so fcked up, so far from being perfect and what you are always after that I just... How is it even fcking possible!?!!?!?!?! How come almost the worst case scenario feels so neutral to me...!? Fcking how?!? Why are you so calm?! Why are you so confident about it? What are you getting yourself into Chan... This is a complete bullsh1t... A failure from the very start... But no... You don't feel it... What is more... it feels so easy to you// Are you out of your fcking mind?! Do you even realise what are you getting into!? Are you that desperate to mix in that sh1t!? You don't even care about her, you just want to fck her and nothing else. She's just an easy target, a wounded animal, nice and convenient to prey on... Yea, you keep thinking like that... Both you and me, we know it's not true... Can it be so pure, so real and so heroic? Of course it can... but aren't you doing it for yourself? To feel like a man? Because you are way too fcked up to find someone normal? Is that what're doing? Maybe... but it doesn't make me a bad man, does it? I really want to get her back on track, there's so little for me in all this... How come you're not looking to get the fck out of this fcked up situation yet? Is it because you don't want to back out and leave her alone now? Is it because of your conscience? Wait a second... I know what you are after! You think that if you help her, she will actually love you like all those dogs that are taken care of from kennels!! You delusional fck~!!! She won't~~!!~~!~! She will leave your sorry as just like T did!!! Didn't you learn the lesson?! It doesn't matter, this is not a fairy tale! Wake the fck up~!~! Oh... so you are not sure... Eh, go on then. Sacrifice yourself again, be stupid, waste your time and see how retarded you are, you never learn... Nobody ever learns... All dumb fcks... I want to be sure~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once I know for sure I've done everything I could... There's nothing else for me to do... That's all... I will give her my best/ I don't give a sh1t about your fcked up thinking. Even if we fail~!~! We still fcking tried~!~!! What is there that you don't understand~!~!~! WE WILL FCKING TRY, just because, to go against all fcking convenience and logic~!~~! So fck you, I will get her back on the surface, and if she decides to leave me, so be it... I cannot force anyone to me... They have to see who I really am... If they cannot... I did my part... Nothing else to say or do really... Not my decision to make... If my best is not enough, what else can I do... Every girl needs a guardian... You're a sh1tty guardian so you get a girl that you can take care of... Exactly... I am such a sh1tty guardian that I will take care of the girl that nobody else could... Think about it... Take all the time you need...
December 3rd, 2017
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